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light bulb jokes


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Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four--one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.

Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the manager.

Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.

Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.

Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.

Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.

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Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.

Note: Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.

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Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.

Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

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Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!

Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends, which household does it belong to?

Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.

Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.)

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)

Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.

Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)


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