joke collection 82
Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six--four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
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A: Six--four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
joke collection 83
Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
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A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
joke collection 87
Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don't expect results.
Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.
Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s.
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--New Haven looks better in the dark!
Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you'll know it really does.
Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One--and that's what his degree will be in!
Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum.
Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and it's very preprofessional.
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A: One, but don't expect results.
Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.
Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s.
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--New Haven looks better in the dark!
Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you'll know it really does.
Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One--and that's what his degree will be in!
Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum.
Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and it's very preprofessional.
joke collection 99
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two--one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
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A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two--one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
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