joke collection 83
Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
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A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
joke collection 87
Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don't expect results.
Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.
Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s.
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--New Haven looks better in the dark!
Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you'll know it really does.
Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One--and that's what his degree will be in!
Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum.
Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and it's very preprofessional.
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A: One, but don't expect results.
Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.
Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s.
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--New Haven looks better in the dark!
Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you'll know it really does.
Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One--and that's what his degree will be in!
Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum.
Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and it's very preprofessional.
joke collection 92
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. "I'm not changing a thing"
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
Note: Several of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.
Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity!
Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.
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A: None. "I'm not changing a thing"
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
Note: Several of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.
Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity!
Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.
joke collection 94
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
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A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
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