business jokes jokes

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.

Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.

Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.

Urgency varies inversely with importance.

Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

It is later than you think.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.

It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.

It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.

It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.

Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.

Those who live closest arrive latest.

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.

To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.

To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.