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you might be a redneck if... prom
You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare.
diet for stress
  • 1/2 grapefruit
  • 1 slice whole wheat toast
  • 8 oz. skim milk
  • 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
  • 1 cup steamed spinach
  • 1 cup herb tea
  • 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
  • The rest of Oreos in the package
  • 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
  • 1 jar hot fudge sauce
  • 2 loaves garlic bread
  • 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
  • 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
  • 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
  • Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for This Diet
  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
  4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.
  8. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  9. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
  10. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
  11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  12. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  13. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
yo mama's so fat... driver's license
Yo mama is so fat that her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
losin' it
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

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