funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners


business one-liners 01
 
 
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

steven wright 24
 
 
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball... [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...] Gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

business one-liners 07
 
 
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.

All American cars are basically Chevrolets.

All general statements are false; think about it.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All generalizations are useless, including this one.

All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

why ask why 05
 
 
Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?


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