funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners


steven wright 24
 
 
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball... [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...] Gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

deep thoughts 02
 
 
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the shape of continents.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

business one-liners 07
 
 
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.

All American cars are basically Chevrolets.

All general statements are false; think about it.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All generalizations are useless, including this one.

All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

why ask why 05
 
 
Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?


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