funny one liners jokes

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.