funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners

steven wright 27
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

business one-liners 45
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for what they don't want.

The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!

The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor

The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.

There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

steven wright 12
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

robert schmidt 09
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable TV.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.

I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.

Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.

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