funny one liners jokes

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."

"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."

"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.

By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost

Cant produces countercant.

Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Chipped dishes never break.

Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.

Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.

Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more bug.

There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.