funny one liners jokes

It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

Any change looks terrible at first.

Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.

Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert, in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's Big Book of Business"

Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.

Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.

Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.

Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

Any line, however short, is still too long.

Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.

Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.

The first time is for love, the next time is $200.

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.