funny one liners jokes

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)

I think...therefore I am confused.

I will get it done when I get it done!

I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.

I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. - Lee Iacocca

If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.

If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau

If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

A stagnant science is at a standstill.

A theory is better than its explanation.

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.