business one-liners 62
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
deep thoughts 13
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.
You what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
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To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.
You what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
deep thoughts 16
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act,
I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
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I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act,
I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
i get no respect 04
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."
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"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."
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