funny one liners jokes

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken

What's new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.

Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.

Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

It is later than you think.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.

It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.

It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.

It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.