funny one liners jokes

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

It is later than you think.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.

It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.

It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.

It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.