funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners


robert schmidt 02
 
 
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sky is falling. The sun is rising.

The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sky already fell. Now what?

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.



If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

steven wright 09
 
 
What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

steven wright 11
 
 
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

robert schmidt 08
 
 
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.


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