steven wright 22
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
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I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
business one-liners 58
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
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Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
business one-liners 59
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Have you flogged your crew today?
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.
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Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Have you flogged your crew today?
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.
why ask why 02
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
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Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
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