funny one liners jokes

Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.

Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were and ask 'why not?'" - George Bernard Shaw

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.

Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.

Stay in with the outs.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.

The first time is for love, the next time is $200.

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a stupid fool.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.

If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.

If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.