funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners


marriage quotes 04
 
 
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

steven wright 20
 
 
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

How young can you die of old age?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

steven wright 23
 
 
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost--$50. If found, just keep it."

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

steven wright 04
 
 
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.


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