funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners


business one-liners 74
 
 
If you want to get along, go along.

If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.

If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.

Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"

In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.

business one-liners 77
 
 
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.

It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

It is a poor workman who blames his tools.

It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.

It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.

It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.

It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.

It just doesn't get any Beta than this.

marriage quotes 12
 
 
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

robert schmidt 07
 
 
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.


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