funny one liners jokes

I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town ... they mail it to me.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."

"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils"

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't spoken since.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove.

My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back ... there it passed...

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.

Everybody's gotta be someplace.

Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.

Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.