funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners


steven wright 17
 
 
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [Slow glance upward.]

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

robert schmidt 04
 
 
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."



You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

robert schmidt 11
 
 
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?

I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...

I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.

robert schmidt 12
 
 
I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town ... they mail it to me.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."

"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils"

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't spoken since.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove.

My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back ... there it passed...


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