funny one liners jokes

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable TV.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.

I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.

Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

He who shouts the loudest has the floor.

He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.

Hindsight is an exact science.

History is the science of what never happens twice.

History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.

I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.

I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Excuses are like bodies; everybody has one!

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.

Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.

Extremes meet.

Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is garbage.