funny one liners jokes

For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.

Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."

"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.

Say no, then negotiate.

Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.

Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.

Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)

Self starters...will not.

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.