funny one liners jokes

If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If it works, don't fix it!

If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri thought back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning", he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs, chest, and groinal area.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.

Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.