funny one liners jokes

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funny one liners


business one-liners 75
 
 
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Incompetence is a double-edged banana.

Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician

Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.

Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'

Interchangable parts won't.

Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

business one-liners 19
 
 
Common sense is not so common.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637

Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Confusion creates jobs.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.

business one-liners 50
 
 
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman

The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.

Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman

Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice versa.")

Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

steven wright 10
 
 
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.


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