funny one liners jokes

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.