funny one liners jokes

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

Always hire a rich attorney.

Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!

Ambiguity is invariant.