funny one liners jokes

The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for what they don't want.

The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!

The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor

The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.

There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don't know any other language.

Real programmers don't notch their desks for each completed service request.

Real programmers don't number paragraph names consecutively.

Real programmers print only clean compiles.

Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Repetition does not establish validity.

Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Indifference is the only sure defense.

Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.

Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

Interchangeable parts won't.

Is there life before coffee?

It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.