Religion jokes

A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.

Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."

Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"

Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

A zebra went up to the zookeeper and said, "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes." The zookeeper looks at the zebra with a puzzling look and says, "I don't know why don't you go ask God." The zebra then went to ask God who said "You are what you are, young zebra." So the zebra went back to the zookeper who asks the zebra what God had said. The zebra replied, "God said 'you are what you are." The zookeeper then said, "Well then you must be a white zebra with black stripes because if you were a black zebra with whites stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

You know you're a redneck when...

you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, 'Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.'

The next man came up and started his story. 'St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.'

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. 'Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'