'Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,' the priest replied. 'Imagine that,' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have arthritis, Father,' the drunk said, 'but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.'
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. 'I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,' the doctor replies. 'Welcome to heaven, my son,' God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. 'Welcome to heaven, my son,' says God, 'but you have to leave in two days.'
He leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns.
He restoreth my doubt in the Repulican party
He guideth me down the path of untold debt for the party's sake.
My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income.
He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely.
Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party
and I shall live in a rented house forever.
5,000 years ago, Moses said:
"Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I will lead you to the promised land."
5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said:
"Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel
this is the promised land."
Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you know there is no promised land.
I am glad I am an American and I am glad that I am free
but I wish I were a little dog and bush were a tree.
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