Religion jokes

• JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
• JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
• JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
• JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
• JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
• JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
• JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
• JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."  (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
• JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
• JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
• "[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)  ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
• JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
• JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water.  (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
• JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
• JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
• JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

A dead-beat Dad died and went to Heaven. He was greeted at the Golden Gate by St. Peter, who warmly shook his hand and asked him to sit down next to him.

Looking over the dead-beat Dad's file, St. Peter frowned and shook his head sadly. 'Your record looks fine, except for one glaring item. Why the hell didn't you pay child support for your six kids?'

The man jumped up. 'Child support?! All God said in Genesis was 'Be fruitful and multiply.' He didn't say nothin' about supporting them!'

St. Peter smirked: "That part of Genesis was God's Italian wife's recipe for marinated steak, buddy-- Beef, fruit, fuel, and a mallet apply.'

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all fishing out in the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back.

Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, 'God, let me walk across the water.' Then he tries again and falls into the water, so he swims back, tries again and he falls again.

The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, 'Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?'

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."