Religion jokes

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, 'You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, 'I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'
But the pope persists, 'Please?'
The driver finally lets up. 'Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: 'Chief, I have a problem.'
Chief: 'What sort of problem?'
Cop: 'Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'
Chief: 'Important like the mayor?'
Cop: 'No, no, much more important than that.'
Chief: 'Important like the governor?'
Cop: 'Wayyyyyy more important than that.'
Chief: 'Like the president?'
Cop: 'More.'
Chief: 'Who's more important than the president?'
Cop: 'I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!'

Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave.

'I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there," said the first man.

"I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'

"I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.' Then one of the nuns turned around.

"Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there."

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.