Religion jokes

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, 'You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, 'I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'
But the pope persists, 'Please?'
The driver finally lets up. 'Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: 'Chief, I have a problem.'
Chief: 'What sort of problem?'
Cop: 'Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'
Chief: 'Important like the mayor?'
Cop: 'No, no, much more important than that.'
Chief: 'Important like the governor?'
Cop: 'Wayyyyyy more important than that.'
Chief: 'Like the president?'
Cop: 'More.'
Chief: 'Who's more important than the president?'
Cop: 'I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!'

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business."

She didn't win.

So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car."

Still, she didn't win.

So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house."

Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, "Buy a ticket."