Religion jokes

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?" God asks her.

"Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," she says.

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her.

"What's a 'man', Lord?" she inquires.

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" she asks.

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when all of a sudden Moses shouts out, 'You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again.' And he throws his hands in the air and magically the ocean parts. Jesus sees this and says, 'I'm going to try and walk on water again!' So he walks up to the water and takes a step on top and sinks! Moses says, 'Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while.' So Jesus tries again and once more, he sinks.

Jesus comes up out of the water and says, 'I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet!'

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"

Since Pope John Paul is getting up in age the Vatican has started an early campaign to 'recruit' a successor. They have interviewed many applicants and after many months of interviewing they have narrowed the search to TWO final candidates: Bishop McLaughlin from Dublin Ireland and Bishop Sicola from New York. They are both very good candidates. The Vatican selection committee finally settled on Bishop Sicola. Though after much debate they changed their minds and said that Bishop Sicola would NOT be a good choice because it wouldn't seem proper to address the new pontiff as 'pope-si-cola.'