Religion jokes

There was this man who really had to go to the bathroom. He went to the nearest house, which happened to be the home of a monk and asked, 'Can I please use the bathroom?' The monk told him he could, so he went in. When he was in the bathroom he heard this clink, clink, clink. When he was finished he went to the monk and asked, 'What was that noise I heard in the bathroom?' The monk said, 'I can't tell you, you're not a monk. You have to go to Italy for two years.'

So the man went to Italy for two years and then came back and asked the monk again what the noise was. The monk said, 'I can't tell you, you're not a high monk. You have to go to Italy for three years.' So the man went, came back and then asked the monk again what the noise was. Again the monk said, 'I can't tell you, you're not a king monk. You have to go to Italy for four years.' So the man went, came back and once more asked the monk.

And the monk said, "The pipes bang sometimes. Aren't I a passive aggressive sadist for not just telling you that in the first place? And aren't you a sorry-assed sucker for jumping through my retarded hoops?"

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?

A last name.

You are so hideously ugly, that at Christmas, we hang you up and kiss the mistletoe.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex, England?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!