Religion jokes

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.

After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, 'I had sex with two men at one time.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.' The second nun tells the priest, 'I robbed a bank for $25,000.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'

The third nun tells the priest, 'I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'

The priest said to the fourth nun, 'Okay, what sin did you commit.'

The fourth nun says, 'I pissed in the holy water.'

Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave.

'I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there," said the first man.

"I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'

"I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.' Then one of the nuns turned around.

"Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there."

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Father: Go ahead, son.

Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.

Father: Is that so?

Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.

Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"

Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels down at the altar and begins to pray to God, stating that he owes many people money and asks to win the lottery. After he is done praying, he gets up and walks out.

The next Sunday he goes to the same church and pleads with God through his prayers to let him win the lottery so that he can pay these people back.

The next Sunday comes around and Shane enters the church very upset and close to tears, he kneels at the alter and asks why God is doing this to him and say's that he has asked to win the lottery for three weeks now and nothing. Suddenly there came a loud bang of thunder and God spoke, "Shane, meet me halfway: Buy a damn ticket!"