Religion jokes

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.

After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, 'I had sex with two men at one time.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.' The second nun tells the priest, 'I robbed a bank for $25,000.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'

The third nun tells the priest, 'I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'

The priest said to the fourth nun, 'Okay, what sin did you commit.'

The fourth nun says, 'I pissed in the holy water.'

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Father: Go ahead, son.

Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.

Father: Is that so?

Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.

Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"

Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!