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Anna Nicole Smith: I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.
Brad Pitt: Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.
Christina Ricci: My dream role would probably be a psycho killer, because the whole thing I love about movies is that you get to do things you could never do in real life, and that would be my way of vicariously experiencing being a psycho killer. Also, it's incredibly romantic.
Courtney Love: I don't need plastic in my body to validate me as a woman.
David Letterman: Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
Drew Barrymore: If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him
Elizabeth Hurley: I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me
Heather Graham: Whenever I meet people who seem really sweet and unassuming, I kind of wonder about them.
Jennifer Lopez: People equate sexy with promiscuous. They think that because I'm shaped this way, I must be scandalous, like running around and bringing men into my hotel room. But it's just the opposite.
Justin Timberlake: Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love.
P. Diddy: I feel safe in white because, deep down inside, I'm an angel.
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In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52, tried to cure his sexual impotence by having a penis transplant -- using a donkey as the donor. The wire service Agence France-Presse reported that three times Esirgen brought home a donkey, amputated its sexual organs and appealed in vain for a doctor to perform the operation. Apparently the third time so annoyed his family that his son shot him in the leg.
In one of the strangest alliances ever encountered by law enforcement in the Amish community of Pennsylvania, members of the Pagans Motorcycle Club allegedly conspired with some young Amish men to sell "multiple kilograms" of cocaine to Amish youth groups. The drugs were to be sold to the Amish youths during hoedowns. The deals took place in Gap, PA, minutes east of Intercourse, PA.
Combustion
The BBC reported British researchers duplicated and solved the gruesome paranormal mystery of spontaneous human combustion, where bodies burn completely, except for the legs, while nearby furniture remains untouched. After successfully burning a pig carcass they said human fat, ignited by a little as a cigarette, can cause a 'wick effect,' burning for hours and consuming a body like a candle.
Kaleef the Blacksmith Had
One Down the Street, Where The Big Hole Is
A second stray U.S. Tomahawk missile was found in Pakistan as that country mounted interview efforts asking citizenry if they've seen any more.
It Only Hurts When I Reboot
In England, Professor Kevin Warwick, head of the University of Reading's Cybernetics Dept,
claimed to be the first person in the world to have a computer chip surgically implanted
into his body. In a demo, his computer greeted him with “Good morning, Professor Warwick.
You have five new E-mails.”
Classy Ending Of the Day
Slovenia's state-run news agency reported on the death of 'passionate' fisherman Franc
Filipic, 47, who drowned after hooking a huge lake sheatfish (like a catfish) and refusing
to let go as he waded in and was pulled under. Friends reported his last words were 'NOW
I've got him!' Divers found his body after a two-day search.
Sticks and Stones...
800 were left injured, 25
critically, at the annual Gotmar festival near Chhindwara in India. A traditional part is
where residents from two nearby villages gather on opposite sides of a river to hurl rocks
and abuses at each other, before feasting and rejoicing together later. Getting hit is
considered a good omen.
Nice Goggles. Designer?
Cadillac will offer a night vision option in its 2000 DeVille. It uses military-like
infrared sensors to create a 4-by-10-inch windshield projection just above the steering
wheel. Warm objects like people appear white. Auto mag reporters say it works, revealing
pedestrians some 200 yards before headlights pick them up.
Naughty Nurses
The United Kingdom Central
Council of Nursing, Midwifery and Health sent letters warning 640,000 British nurses to
stop using offensive abbreviations in their notes which go into patients' records.
Examples include BUNDY (but unfortunately not dead yet), PIN (pain in the neck), and FLK
(funny looking kid).
Where IS Everybody? Burp
The state of Illinois will discipline Dr. Bennet Braun, a prominent psychiatrist who they say took repressed-memory therapy too far. Braun convinced Pat Burgus, 42, (who already sued successfully for $10 million) that she possessed 300 personalities, served in a cult, and sexually abused her children (two of whom she was persuaded to hospitalize for three years). Also that she ate human flesh meatloaf made from 2,000 people a year, despite the fact that she lived in a tiny Iowa town. |
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Who's there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Britney spears my eyes with her brand new pointed titties.
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