Entertainment jokes

There were five people on a crashing air plane. Britney Spears, George W. Bush, Pavarotti, the Pope, and a boy scout. There were only four parachutes, not enough for the five important people on board, so they had to decide who would be left. President Bush said he should go first since he is the president of the greatest country in the world. So he jumps and lands safely. Then Pavarotti says that he has the greatest voice in the world so jumps and parachutes to safety. Britney Spears says she's a role model for young girls, a sex icon, and the smartest woman in the world so she jumps out. Then the Pope says to the little boy scout, "I am old and feeble and I don't have much longer to live...You must take the last parachute." The boy scout replies, "We can both take a parachute because the smartest woman in the world took my backpack."

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A: In a catalogue.

Season's Beatings

There's gotta be a better way to spend December.

Let's face it: once you're old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas loses some of its magic. Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn't any "bah, humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your celebration of this holiday season.

* Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon.

* Fill a pair of galoshes with cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the morning to look for Santa's little curds-slathered footprints.

* Get rid of your Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia Christ!

* Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel.

* Attend Midnight Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the savior".

* Carve stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I was going to ask you freaks the same thing."

* Dress up like an elf, go to a playground, and collect lunch money from kids to "pay for Santa's chemotherapy". Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds.

* Find out exactly how many cups of spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head.

* Eat Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like "ripe ass".

* Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy".

* Get the crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging strangers on the street.

* Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "spook flying reindeer".

* Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks you're "gay for gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something else "cooking in the oven".

* Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that transform into robotic tarantulas.

* Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters, 6am 'til Noon.

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother right now!

Anna Nicole Smith: I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

Brad Pitt: Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.

Christina Ricci: My dream role would probably be a psycho killer, because the whole thing I love about movies is that you get to do things you could never do in real life, and that would be my way of vicariously experiencing being a psycho killer. Also, it's incredibly romantic.

Courtney Love: I don't need plastic in my body to validate me as a woman.

David Letterman: Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Drew Barrymore: If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him

Elizabeth Hurley: I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me

Heather Graham: Whenever I meet people who seem really sweet and unassuming, I kind of wonder about them.

Jennifer Lopez: People equate sexy with promiscuous. They think that because I'm shaped this way, I must be scandalous, like running around and bringing men into my hotel room. But it's just the opposite.
Justin Timberlake: Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love.

P. Diddy: I feel safe in white because, deep down inside, I'm an angel.