Lawyer jokes

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”
The man said, “Here and there.”
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man said, “This and that.”
The judge then said, “Take him away.”
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
Pollution.
What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution.

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."