Religion jokes

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie.

God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in... hole in one!

Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: “Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around?”

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, 'Jesus is watching you!'while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, 'Who said that?!' Once again he heard the same thing, 'Jesus is watching you!'

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, 'Cornelius.' The robber said, 'What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!' The parrot said, 'The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!'

A Jewish mother bought her son two pairs of socks for his birthday and, wishing to please her, he went upstairs to put a pair on. When he returned, his mother immediately said, 'You don't like the other pair?'

A very old, but respected man walked into a local tavern. He looked around at the decor and realized it was the holiday season. He saw his neighbor, drunk out of his mind. The old man stepped up to the neighbor and asked him a question, "Jack do you know what difference between the baby Jesus and your wife?"

"No," replied the dead drunk man.

"Well the baby Jesus slept with a jackass one night, your wife sleeps with one every night."