Religion jokes

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

'Can of PAINT!' exclaimed the minister.

'Yeah,' said the newlywed man. 'She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

'That's okay,' said the man. 'We're not welcome in Home Depot either.'

He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income.
He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely.
Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party
and I shall live in a rented house forever.

5,000 years ago, Moses said:
"Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I will lead you to the promised land."

5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said:
"Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel
this is the promised land."

Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you know there is no promised land.

I am glad I am an American and I am glad that I am free
but I wish I were a little dog and bush were a tree.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."