Redneck jokes

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services
The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names
The South has double first names

The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms

The North has an ambulance
The South has an amalance

The North has the Mafia
The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits

The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads

The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners

The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt

The North has Dan Quayle
The South has Bill Clinton

13> "None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

12> "Tampax! Get your Tampax here!"

11> "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!"

10> "Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick."

9> "My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"

8> "Hey, you with the large breasts — out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

7> "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone."

6> "What a coincidence, Hank — all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

5> "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

4> "Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor..."

3> "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."

2> "Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."

1> "...and now, singing our national anthem — international recording artist Boy George!"