Foreign jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

• Plato: for the greater good. • Karl Marx: It was historical inevitability. • Douglass Adams: 42 • Oliver North: National security was at stake. • Darwin: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees • Earnest Hemmingway: To die. In the rain. • Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tonnes of nerve gas on it. • Ronald Regan: I forget. • Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it f-----g wanted to. That's the f----g reason. • Mark Twain: The news of it's crossing has been greatly exagerated. • Mr T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too

The British speech:

"If you are ferocious in battle, remember to be magnanimous in victory, we go to liberate, not to conquer.

We are entering Iraq to free a people, and the only flag that will be flown in that ancient land is their own. Don't treat them as refugees, for they are in their own country. If there are casualties of war, then remember, when they woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to die this day. Allow them dignity in death. Bury them properly and mark their graves. You will be shunned unless your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow you down history. Iraq is steeped in history. It is the site of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood and the birth of Abraham. Tread lightly there."

The US speech :

"When the president says 'Go', look out - it's hammer time"

(followed by "We Will Rock You" at high volume)

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television's Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.

Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, 'Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein's ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.

Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him 'What the hell are you laughing about?'

A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied 'Tony Danza's coming back with a watermelon.'

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!