Foreign jokes

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, 'There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.' The Scot is not impressed and says, 'That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says 'That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies 'No, but my sister told me about it.'

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.

After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question.

“God,” he said, “What is heaven like?”

God replied, “Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!”

The man looked pleased. “What is hell like?” he asked.

“Well,” he said with a sigh, “the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.”

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

There's a 12-month waiting list.