Redneck jokes

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Redneck


redneck teeth
 
 
You know you're a redneck when people say you lie through your tooth!
massively kewl knock knock jokes!!!
 
 
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don't know. I just deliver packages.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I'm the guy delivering it.
Great.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I'll be right out, Susan.

Knock, knock
Who's there.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It's a knock, knock joke.
Oops.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who
Don't get so upset, crybaby!
What?
Ha! Ha! I made you say "boo-hoo"
You're a real idiot.
That wasn't necessary.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I'm not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don't believe I invented the chocolate éclair. But I did. I'm going to burn them all and drink soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I'll kill you last!

Knock, knock
Yo mama
Yo mama who?
Yo mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.
I bet you're fat, huh?
I'm…
You are, aren't you? Fat!
I'm plumpish.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
FBI!


Hello? FBI! Let us in!

…nobody here…
Oh. Let's go boys!
(Phew!)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
There's a dead old woman in your driveway.
There's a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There's a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that's just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells toothless mouth love for "mind eraser" shooters at the Tyson's Mall TGIFriday's. Let the whore sleep it off.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I'm not opening the door Henry.
Damn.

Knock, knock
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH!
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who?
Actually, I'm here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I hate to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? Its rude and the other way around, well it ruins my dramatic entrance. So…
You want to use my toilet?
Yeah?
Go right ahead.
Got anything to read?
Just the crossword.
You finished it.
Sorry?
Hold my scythe.
Hey! Don't forget to light a match.

the size of the ranch
 
 
A guy from Texas and a guy from Arkansas are driving on the ranch of the guy from Arkansas and the Texan guy says, "this is an awful small ranch."
The guy from Arkansas doesn't think anything of it and goes on. The Texan says, "my ranch is so big I can leave at 1:00 in the morning and get to the other side by the end of the day."
The guy from Arkansas says, "I used to have a truck like that."
bubba claus
 
 
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: 'These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.'

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, 'On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.'

5. 'Ho, ho, ho!' has been replaced by 'Yee Haw!' And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, 'I her'd dat!'

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words 'Back Off!' The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see 'Boss Hogg Saves Christmas' and 'Smokey and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like 'Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer' and Bing Crosby's 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's 'Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's 'All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s 'If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.'

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209


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