Sports jokes

Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?

Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?

Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?

Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.

Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.

Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?

'Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?'

'Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard.'

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it!

The first guy says 'Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!' The second one goes, 'Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec.'

So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, 'Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?'

So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. 'What's wrong? What's the matter?' his friend says. 'Same damn thing,' he replies.

Yo mama is like a hockey player she doesn't change her pad for three periods.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."