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handicap golf
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

there were these two old guys...
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

holy shot!
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, 'Are you really going to let him get away with this?'

'No, I guess not,' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ' Why did you let him do that?'

To this God says, 'Who's he going to tell?'

more stupid quotes
On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?”
-- Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star

On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross.”
-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces

On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.”
-- Donna Summer, disco singer

On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.”
-- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest

On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.”
-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage

On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Interesting Insights On: “In an action film you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama.”-- Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”

On Segues, Unfortunate: “Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college.”
-- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig

On Book Reviews, Cogent: “It's a very good historical book about history.” -- former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson's Modern Times

On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House. I don't know how many exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference between the House and the Senate

On Earth, Where Found:“ [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.

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