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stayin' alive
 
 
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

at least i know that you were thinking
 
 
A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, 'Bobby, what is round and red?' Bobby says, 'A banana!' The teacher says, 'No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at least I know that you were thinking.'

The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, 'An apple!' The teacher says, 'No Bobby, but at least you you were thinking.'

Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, 'What is 4 inches long, yellow and has red on the tip?' The teacher says, 'BOBBY!! Is that what I think it is? A penis?' Bobby says, 'No, it's a match, but at least I know you were thinking!!'

little johnny's prognosis
 
 
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room - yet she made no attempt to restrain him.

Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."

"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."

donations to the preacher
 
 
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.

'Well, thank you,' the pastor replied, 'but why?'

'Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!'

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