Barroom jokes

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk man sitting in a puddle.
"Hey, are you drunk?" asked the policeman.

"No! I'm just resting!" said the drunk man in a lazy voice.

"Oh, is that so? Well, if your not drunk, what time is it?"

The drunk man raised his arm, as if to point at something, and raised the other arm to cross the first arm over and said, "It's 12:43!"

"Amazing!" said the policeman. "How did you do that?"

"Hee hee, magic!" he said in a drunk voice. The policeman was puzzled and asked the drunk man again how he did it.

"Oh ok! Don't push me!" he said. "I'll tell you how I did it only if you sit with me in this puddle."

" What? No, I'm not sitting in that puddle." said the policeman.

" OK, then you will not learn my secret."

So the policeman stepped in the puddle, and sat down near the drunk man. "OK, I'm in the puddle, now tell me

"Well, turn to face that way, and look at that very large building," He pointed, " Do you see it?"

"Ya I see it, so what?" Said the policeman.
"Well, then I bet that you see that the building is Big Ben."

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"