Barroom jokes

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, 'No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on a shelf above the bartender and it said “Win this...free beer for LIFE!” The man walked up to the bartender and asked “how do I win this golden mug?” The bartender replied, “See that drunken man over there? Knock him out in one punch. See that dog? He has a toothache but noone can get the tooth out. Take the tooth out. See that old lady? She hasn't been screwed in a while so...screw her.”

The man walks over to the drunk man and knocks him out with one punch. Then, he goes over to the dog and brings him into the back alley. The bartender hears some noises and then the man comes back in with a pair of pliers and says, “Where's the old lady with a toothache?”

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks over to the counter and orders a drink. The monkey runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it. The monkey picks up one of the billiard balls and swallows it. The bartender says, 'Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?' 'What?' asked the man. 'He just ate my billiard ball!' The man apologized to the pool players and paid the bartender 10 bucks for the ball, took his monkey and walked out.
A week later the same man and his monkey walk in again. The man sits down and orders a drink. The monkey sits down by the man. After the man finishes his drink he starts to play pool. The monkey hops up on the counter and grabs a cherry and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender said, 'Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?' The man said, 'Yeah, I know, he measures it now!'

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into their car. After they've been driving for a while, they see a ghostly face appear at the window.

"It's a ghost, dude!"

"Roll down the window, ask him what he wants!" The driver rolls down the window, and asks the ghost.

"You got a smoke?" They give him a smoke, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns.

"You got a light?" They give a light, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns.

"You guys need help getting out the mud?"