Barroom jokes

Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.

"What's going on here?"

"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

1. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
6. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
7. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
10. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
11. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
12. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."