Barroom jokes

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

A very old, but respected man walked into a local tavern. He looked around at the decor and realized it was the holiday season. He saw his neighbor, drunk out of his mind. The old man stepped up to the neighbor and asked him a question, "Jack do you know what difference between the baby Jesus and your wife?"

"No," replied the dead drunk man.

"Well the baby Jesus slept with a jackass one night, your wife sleeps with one every night."

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God", he implored, "let it be blood!"

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner in front of the television.
"Hey, wife!" he yells. "Gimme a beer before it starts!" She gives him his beer. Fifteen minutes pass.
"Hey, wife!" he yells. "Gimme a beer before it starts!" She gives him his beer. Five minutes pass.
"Hey, wife!" he yells. "Gimme a beer before it starts!"
"Hey, you've already had two beers in twenty minutes! Don't you think that's a lot? I'm not getting you another!"
"Now it starts."