Barroom jokes

'Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?'

'Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.'

'Okay,' says the guy. He turns to his dog. 'Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?'

'Roof!' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

'THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!'

'Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?'

'Ruff!"

'What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?'

'Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?'

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside."

The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money for."

The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money."

So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside.

He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money.

A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He askes the bartender what this money was for.

The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money."

So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.

Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his secrets."

So, he took his money and left.

About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it."

The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him."